Se full versjon : December Challenge

06 Dec 2007, 13:07

So christmas is coming and my challenge to you for this month is to ...

"Look past the behavior... what is your child feeling?"
When we focus on a child's needs and feelings, rather than the specific behavior we wish to change, we can then truly communicate our love for our child. That the behavior will then improve is almost a side issue.

Reassuring the child that his feelings are important, and have been heard and taken seriously, through full, loving attention. Without this message, he will feel rejected and misunderstood, and those feelings will only lead to further unwanted behavior.
Informing the child that the behavior in question is not the best way to have his needs met. Without this message, he will miss important, valid learning about the needs of others.
Modeling the preferred behavior to show the child what more appropriate and effective behavior would look like, so that in the future he can have his needs met in an easier and more productive way. Without this message, he will be limited to the same behaviors he has already tried, and little will change.

06 Dec 2007, 13:17
This is what I call a real challenge! ;)

But, yes, I shall continue to try. :)

06 Dec 2007, 15:23
SO often we look at the result rather than the reason.
Last week my son Daraghwho is 5 did not want to wear his coat to go to school. It was cold and raining and he waits at the bus stop with his brothers for anything up to 20 minutes. I looked beyond the behaviour and asked what the problem was instead of insisting he wore the coat. He replied that his coat would have to be hung up on a peg at school and as he could not yet read, he wouldnt know which peg to hang it up on. I suggested he could ask his teacher or his brother to show him which was his name and his peg. Happy with a solution, he put his coat on and went to wait for the bus.

06 Dec 2007, 16:57
I'm in, I will try even harder to look past the behavior.

08 Dec 2007, 22:11
Thank you for a great challenge!

We do need reminders like this.

Do you mind if I share the jacket-story with my friends and family outside of Ringbomst?

08 Dec 2007, 23:41
Of course, feel free to share!

08 Dec 2007, 23:42
Thank you for the good, not to say amazing, excample you gave! I think there is a great learning potential in good excamples as they are often more easily transferred or compared (can't find the exact word I'm thinking of here) with situations in our own life than just theory.
Another thought, as you give this challenge when relating to Christmas. An important lesson learn in my life is the importance of time; to have enough time to think, negotiate, relax and adjust. Both my daughter and myself need this, and when we have enough time - very often less time is needed... How you manage to have enough time, with a large family, is beyond my imagination, but I guess it's all about learning. I've surely learned a lot in my first year as a mother!
Wish you a good Adventstid! (as I don't know the English word..)

09 Dec 2007, 00:04
What a lovely story! Thanks, Kate, I think I adore you!:konge:

09 Dec 2007, 00:24
HUff, må jeg skrive på engelsk, jaja, jeg forsøker...

I did not prepare for birth the way ap / tio is talking about, but deep inside I was sure that my baby, my best friend, should always be seen and heard, even when her feelings was inpropriate and wrong.
It happend to be so that my doughter has the same temprament (looking for a better english word?) as I. When she was one year old we worked on that it is ok to be angry, but it does not help trowing toys around because the duplos didnt fit as she wanted. At two we worked on that it is ok to be sad when she didnt got what she wanted, but that it doesnt help crying and begging for more yoghurt when she already had one. Now she is tree and coping with her temprament in an amazing way (Im realy prowd). I think that my work on seing her, focusing on that it is ok to feel, that it is the acts following anger and sadness that can be not ok, thats making her such a lovley and harmonisk girl.

But, I need to work on my ability to see her in the everyday, when Im tired and so fokused on me and my that I fail to see whats realy behind whatever goes wrong.

Arg, blir så sinna på engelsken min, har mest lyst til å slette innlegget, jeg er rent flau her...

09 Dec 2007, 00:37
Arg, blir så sinna på engelsken min, har mest lyst til å slette innlegget, jeg er rent flau her...

To kateb; I write in Norwegian as this is an answer to knytingen.

Ikke gjør det! Hvis det var datteren din som skrev, så ville du vel si at det viktigste er at hun prøver, gjør så godt hun kan, at det blir bedre med øvelse eller noe sånt - så si det til deg selv også :blomsterfjes: Personlig kan jeg bare si at jeg synes du er tøff. Og at jeg forstår utmerket godt det du skriver.

10 Dec 2007, 14:21
I think that chirstmas is a stressful time for everyone. For parents in al the obvious ways but also for our children.

I spoke to some children about advent time and the run up to christmas and they said these things...

We worry if we have been good enough to receive gifts.
We worry if we will receive the special gift that we really hope for.
We worry as Mum and Dad seem very angry or stressed.

There is also a lot of competition between children especially in school to get popular presents. In my house we make christmas about tradition, family and giving to others.
Each boy chooses part of our meal to make.
They also give money each to a charity that they choose.
Before christmas they pack up some clothes and toys to donate to charity.

For them they now see a bigger picture, rather than christmas being about receiving, it is very much about giving too.

12 Dec 2007, 09:17
That is because I only give presents to the closest family.

Anyway: The challenge.
Leo, who just turned three, sat in his fathers lap, and suddenly he spat on him - several times. He does that sometimes, spit on people. Well, this time I said?
Leo, why do you spit?
Leo: Because it is fun
Me: But it is not fun for anyone but you. Daddy gets sad.
Leo: Oh.
Me: Do you think it would be fun to spit in the sink instead?
Leo: No

But he stopped the spitting. This was not a great example, but he is not that verbal yet. And anyway, my approach stopped the behaviour and kept the harmony.:klemnisser:

12 Dec 2007, 09:56
Thanx for the challenge, we'll take it.

We keep reminding ourselves and each other on this, but sometimes we forget and that's usually when we're tired after a hard day at work..
Although whenever we practice it feels so good for all of us, and we all practice it at times.

Ex: My 8 year old girl came to me last night and asked me;
L:Do you think dad is tired and drained from all the work he's doing?
Me:That might be, why do you ask?
L: He snapped at Birthday (the cat) just now, and when I do things like that it's because I'm tired or sad.

It's very cool, the girls use it with their friends and at school as well and we all work on it together, a real family task.

12 Dec 2007, 18:58
Its so great that you are taking up the challenge!

What we also do when we look past the behaviour and connect is we teach our children to do the same with others and also to have voice for their own feelings and actions.